Serenity....would settle for stability right about now!!

My mom always said that God never gives you more than you can handle. She is right, but He SURE likes to push the limits!!

Over the past 3 months, there have been so many changes/roadbumps/mountains placed in the way of my seeking serenity! There have been periods of stability, but not many. Emotions have been on a roller coaster and I never know what is going to be thrown my way next!

Over the last three months:
My adoption fell through AFTER I was strongly encouraged to change jobs and move to a larger (read: more expensive) home.
A friend and I tried unsuccessfully to conceive a child.
I had a horrible argument with my best friend that left me in a horrible emotional state.
I lost my job.
I lost health and prescription insurance.
I had to move from my beautiful home to a motel.
I got the H1N1 - swine flu. Because of my lowered immune system (stress, no vitamins, no meds), it KICKED MY BUTT for over a week before I started to feel better.
I learned (the hard way) that the motel efficiency I was staying in has bedbugs.
I realized today that my anemia is probably back, as I am assessing the symptoms I currently have.

Things will improve. I believe it...I know it!

Well...


Most of the time anyway!

Musings on Love

For many, many years I have been in love. I don't remember the first time I realized it, but it was a looooong time ago. I loved this man despite the disapproval of my parents when I was younger...late teens and early 20's. I retained my independence-mostly at his encouragement. I went away to college, dated other men, and lived the "typical" college lifestyle. I denied it to myself much of the time, and even convinced myself sometimes, but I was in love.
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As I grew older, he did as well. He fell in love with me too. But I never knew it...until recently. I am now 39 and have been married once. I have no children, despite trying to have them. After my marriage, I swore I would never marry or dedicate myself to another man. I am still resistant to doing this. But yet I am in love.
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He is 13 years older than I. He lives more than 1300 miles away. He is prone to (mild) paranoid thoughts and some depression. He has some health issues. And I love him.
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He is kind and compliments me all the time. He has had a steady job for MANY years and will retire from there. He adores his mom and his sister (even though he and his sister tend to argue quite a bit). I can and have told him just about everything in my life. He has never married and never had children (by his choice). Yet he wants to father children with me. We are compatible on many levels.
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He and I have a connection that defies words. We cannot be near one another without becoming intimate. It is not a purely physical relationship. It is sooo much more. It feels like destiny. It is wonderful and terrifying at the same time.
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So why am I pondering this? Because I tend to run away from my feelings sometimes. Because I had convinced myself that the age difference was too great. Because I was and am afraid to feel so deeply for a man.
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Once I re-read what I have written, I can not deny that my feelings are deep and true. I am completely in love and need to deal with it and let it flow rather than shying away from it.

I wanna move to the tropics!!!

Today: High 39 Low 27 snow
Tomorrow: High 43 Low 21 rain/snow
Friday: High 24 Low 6 snow
Saturday: High29 Low 8 snow
Sunday: High 32 snow


IT"S ONLY EARLY OCTOBER!!!!!

Geeze!

Snow, Snow, Snow

Well, winter has officially started, I think! I am not opposed to the thought of a surprise return to summer, but it does not look likely! I traveled to and from a concert last night in the snow/rain/ice and it was not fun! But I saw Gordon Lightfoot and the concert was good.

I am feeling a mixture of emotions today. I have talked a lot with my friend that I reconnected with and we basically picked up where we left off. I am happy when I talk with him. I feel optimistic and confident that things will work out. I feel that way when I talk with my friends and when I IM and email family. Then I talk with my mom. Throughout my life, I have always felt love and support from her. But lately, I am feeling stress and pressure. I know she is worried that I have not found work. She is worried and stressed out. But when we talk she puts all her stress on me. It pushes me to the edge of what I can handle...and sometimes beyond. Typically I end up more upset and in tears after we talk. I try to remain calm, positive, and optimistic with her, but it is hard to do!!!

Not sure what I can do about it...

What I just saw on tv....

"The National Weather Service has issued a winter storm watch...which is in effect from Sunday morning through Monday afternoon.

Heavy wet snow will develop over the area Sunday...with potential total snow accumulations of one to two feet by Monday afternoon."

Looks like we may just skip over fall and jump directly into winter!!!!!

EEEEEEEEwwwwwwwww!!!!!

Evil Insomnia

So it is almost 2:30 as I sit/lay here in my "efficiency apartment." I can NOT sleep...I could not sleep last night either - my first night here. I have an intense headache...although I am having those on a daily basis. There is SOOOOO much on my mind! Maybe some babbling will help - if I talk about what is on my mind I will get it out and be able to relax......maybe!

*Headaches - I was taking meds for migraines, but lost my health insurance when I started my job. I could afford some of my meds on my new salary and made do. I had migraines more often but not every friggin day! Now I don't have insurance OR employment. So I have migraines on an almost daily basis.

*Depression/Anxiety - Was on meds for them as well....see above!

*Bills - I can afford my bills if I budget closely. But have outstanding medical bills (deductibles and copays) that I cannot pay. As a result, my doctor dropped me. I can no longer call and request med refills or ask questions.

*Emotions - this is a big one. I feel like a huge failure. I have a Master's Degree and years of experience. I have become jobless and virtually homeless. I feel as though my life was wasted going to school and I would have been better off if I had never gone. I feel like I will never get back on my feet and will certainly never become successful.

*Support - I have a couple of close friends who are supportive. D is wonderfully kind and sweet and supportive, but lives 3 hours away. I almost never see him. He is working a TON of hours right now, so we almost never talk either. M is a good friend...I would have to say that he is one of my best friends. But there have been a couple of occasions when he has been stressed out and upset and taken it out on me. In this state, he is an Emotional Terrorist. And I have told him so. The last time was very very bad timing, as I was not in an emotional state to deal with it. It was a BAAAAD few days!

*Alone - I have always been independent. I have always been able to do just fine (usually better than fine) by myself. I did not need or want a man. I was unhappy in my marriage, so I ended it. I was fine having friends. But now, I want more. I want to fall in love and be with someone...to support each other and be secure in that bond. But it just isnt happening.

*Children - I have always known I would be a mom. I have planned it since early adulthood, but have always been logical and rational about finding a good time...the right time...to have a child. And now I think I may be too old. D and I have been trying, but my cycles are all messed up and I dont have health insurance to get my plumbing checked.

*Stress level - I cannot remember ever being this stressed/depressed/fatalistic in my life. I have been through a lot...a LOT...but coping with this all is a struggle. I want to curl up and cry (and sometimes do). I want to run away (would be useless). I sometimes want to end it all (yeah, I admit it and know it will worry anyone who reads this now or in the future) - but have resisted because of the pain it would cause those I am close to. Do not worry...I am not going to hurt myself.

*Strength - I have always been strong. I have always been a survivor and everybody's rock. I did not just survive - I dealt with, overcame, and thrived! For a long time, I looked down on those that I perceived as needy or weak. But now, I see myself as being needy and weak. I feel like I dont have enough support, but am not sure how much would be enough.

***There is much more on my mind, but thoughts are jumbled and confused. Will have to add more later.***

Where do I go from here?

So, that was my background story. Now what am I doing to get myself out of this mess?

1. Budgeting my unemployment monies VERY carefully. Now that I have moved, I can make ends meet with the unemployment, but only barely.

2. Continuing to search for work. I am looking all over the state for professional work and am searching locally for a part time job to suppliment my unemployment.

3. Focusing on studying for my licensure exam. I still need to get more hours for my license, but can get the test done soon.

4. I decided today that I am going to join the YMCA, since they offer scholarships. I can have a physical outlet for the stress and anxiety.

5. Reaching out to friends. I need support right now. So I am allowing friends to help me...to be there to talk to, to give me a hug and let me cry, to be my sounding board, etc. Friends will get me through this.

6. Dealing with the changes...buckling down and trying to stay positive. I am accepting the present....for I can not change my circumstances. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. That saying has never rung so true for me.

Life crumbles....

You know, I truly did love my job. I saw the difference I was making. I was helping people and was a part of something bigger than myself. Then I lost my job. I was let go a little over a month ago. Why was I let go? The reasons I was given were transparent, falsehoods.
*****
I was told first that I was not seeing all of my clients. Clearly untrue - my reports and progress notes verified that. In fact, most of my clients were in group with me more than once a week.
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I was told that I was 2 months behind on my paperwork. I pulled up my progress notes and proved this to be untrue. Yes, some notes were late...but 2 months behind?? NOT!!
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I was told that because of the above reasons, the company was not able to bill Medicaid to receive payment for services...which, in turn, pays my salary. Untrue - billing could have been done. Medicaid does not require copies of my notes and my schedule showed my clients and their attendance. Besides, my clients were being seen and notes done.
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I was told that I was taking too much time off. I was given 2 weeks vacation when I hired in and had used 4 days.
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So, I was fired on a Friday. No notice...nothing. I was not able to have closing sessions with my clients, which is unethical. I never had any sort of disciplinary action taken against me to warn me that I was supposedly not meeting their standards. Then, it took 3 weeks to get my final paycheck, I was charged for a cellphone charger I had returned, and they did not pay out my remaining vacation time. They tried to fight my unemployment, but failed to do so.
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*****
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So, even though I knew and know I was in the right, the reality was......I was unemployed. Yes, I lost my mind for a while. I am still struggling to remain in control sometimes. I have cried and complained and had panic attacks. But reality remains. Life is not always fair and I am unemployed.
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Soon, and with a friend's help, I saw that I could not pay my bills on unemployment while looking for a job. So I had to move. I was living in a gorgeous house and was looking at buying it. Now I am living in a motel room that has a kitchenette. I am searching for work, but not having any luck.
*****
Right now, life sucks. Summer is gone. Fall may very well be over soon and the long winter will set in. And I sit here in my "efficiency apartment" [hotel room] with the dog and stare at tv. And type this....